I get the 'reasoning' behind calling it "Good Friday". I know it was 'good' that Christ was betrayed, suffered, died, etc. in order to fulfill His purpose and bring about the new covenant with God. However, I think the moniker allows us to ignore the real horrors the man went through. I think in many ways, as we celebrate the spiritual Christ we forget the true suffering of the man Jesus. There was nothing good about it.
I caught a few minutes of "Passion of the Christ" (you know that Mel Gibson opus) a few days ago and taking out some of the...um...poetic license of the piece what I really appreciated was that he did not hold back on the horror the man Jesus went through. I think so many other films try to depict it, but are still a little sensitive to audiences, and while Gibson may have gone a little over the top (I mean the image of the cat-o-nine tails getting stuck in Jesus' side and ripping the flesh off is now burned on my retinas) the point is that he drove the point home.
We talk about Christ's suffering, on an intellectual level we understand the horror he went through, much like when we here of torture in other circumstances because there is no mistaking that was what was done. He was being tortured as a political prisoner. To Pilate, the Roman soldiers, and the small group of Jewish leaders who spearheaded his arrest and execution, Jesus was a threat to the status quo. Therefore once Jesus was marked for death as a political prisoner, he had to be punished as such. If there something the Romans (and the Inquisitors of the Spanish Inquisition) knew how to do it was torture people. And crucifixion was used often among Roman provinces to discourage those who would perpetrate crimes against Rome.
So while you sit on this Holy day and thank God and Christ for what transpired so we might all find salvation; take moment and think on what Jesus went through as the man. Really try and understand the physical pain and suffering he willingly submitted to in order to die for what he believed. The whips ripping his flesh, the thorns digging in, the nails bursting through bone and muscle. Then hanging on his own body weight, literally dying slowly through the suffocation his own body was causing by the pressure exerted on his lungs, heart, limbs. Think of anytime you've truly hurt yourself physically (deep cut, broken limbs, etc) and magnify that by hundreds.
In some twisted way, Jesus' suffering and his willingness to go through it all (like all people who have truly been tortured and killed for their beliefs), is the greatest unification legacy he left. If there is one thing all humanity can come together and understand as a collective whole it is suffering and pain. We seem to unite best, when looking at the worst. So to do all Christians, no matter the demonination come to agreement on the suffering of Jesus. It is one of our unifications in a religion that is so splintered.
Maybe "Good Friday" is the correct moniker after all.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Why I Wasn't Chosen....
As I've stated many times before there is an overlying flaw in my soul and that is fear. Maybe flaw isn't the right word, maybe I should say it's my personal demon. Over everything else it is the one thing that has the potential to rip me to shreds. It can eat at my gut, my mind, my heart and colors everything I do in my life. Where did it start? Why did I develop such an acute case? Who knows, the answers could be buried in some deep psychological scar or it could simply be the spiritual test I cannot seem to pass. Recently I was struck by another thing it kept me from...being chosen to serve the Lord.
That's not to mean I can't serve in ways, if I could get past a lot of my issues with the overlying institution of "The Church" in general then I could serve, but I mean truly serve. When I was younger, I think the overlying belief for everyone in my Church and amongst my family was that I was going to be called into ministry. I heard that a lot. I tried to sit sometimes and wonder if I was, if I had been called but just wasn't listening correctly, but I never felt that urge. Nothing told me to take a mission trip to build houses in a needy community, nothing said to go out and volunteer at every shelter, or to go to some country where they did not know God and tell them about Him. I became frustrated at times because of it. I knew others who did, but not me. I wanted to believe that I was a "good Christian" since I obeyed nearly everything I was told was of great importance, even to the point of trying to oppress those things about myself that might seem "un-Christian" like.
The one that really hit close to home, literally, was my little brother. I don't know if I ever said this to him, but there are times I have envied his fearlessness. In all things. He's lived in ways I never allowed myself. I'm not saying all of them were good or wise, but he did them with fearlessness. He was never as "into" Church as me growing up. Oh, he went when Mom would drag him, but there was a number of years there that I honestly think he might have given up on the concepts of God all together. Then he found the path that was right for him. Suddenly this kid full of life, but no purpose, who barely got by in school and was interested only in living it up changed. There was suddenly this fire in him we'd never seen, this sense of self, this goal. Then, he decided to go into The Ministry. To say everyone who knew and loved him were shocked would be putting it mildly.
Over the ensuing years, he's studied theology, gone to Seminary, gotten his Masters Degree and will one day seek his PhD. To use the words Reverend in front of his name still seems so surreal. The fearlessness he exhibited in his wilder years, he now uses in his Ministry. He's jumped into serving God with the same fervor that he had toward partying, and he still has maintained that sense of joy he always had. If there was another thing we widely differed in it was in our outlooks on life. Me- pessimism, He - optimism.
In the back of my mind was always the niggling sense of why him? For years I always thought it was because he had had a sort of Simon/Peter conversion. Wild child to Young Adult Minister, and who would better understand what they go through than someone who has walked that path? But in the past few months I've realized that although in a way that is a good reason, the real reason is his lack of fear.
When push comes to shove my brother will not back down. He does not fear the sacrifices and fire that giving yourself to God requires. He's not afraid to have God take his mind and soul and burn it with knowledge and purpose, even if it's hard lessons to know. He was chosen over me because where he can stand in the midst of that awe, I would crumble to dust. I fear it more than I crave it.
I would never have the strength to hear that voice and carry out its plan. I have never read the Bible all the way through because I fear the parts that make me question how I live my life, or how we live as a world. I have no problem talking religion with anyone, I'm not afraid of having my faith questioned, I am strong in that. But my fear makes me weak in serving. I fear everything about God, but not in the healthy way that we should. It's not the proper respect for His greatness, but an abject fear of it. It's a bitter pill to swallow, to look at yourself and realize your greatest weakness and how it has held you back from the most important relationship of any Christian's life.
I fear praying for things because He might answer. I fear sitting quietly because He might try and speak to me. I fear going to Church because He might have a lesson that I need to hear which will change me. I fear reading the Bible for the same reason. I fear letting go of the fear because it's familiar and I wouldn't know me without it. I fear exorcising the demon because I don't know what it will mean for the future of my life. And now I fear never being rid of it because I can't really live until it's gone.
I guess the first step is admitting you have a problem...
That's not to mean I can't serve in ways, if I could get past a lot of my issues with the overlying institution of "The Church" in general then I could serve, but I mean truly serve. When I was younger, I think the overlying belief for everyone in my Church and amongst my family was that I was going to be called into ministry. I heard that a lot. I tried to sit sometimes and wonder if I was, if I had been called but just wasn't listening correctly, but I never felt that urge. Nothing told me to take a mission trip to build houses in a needy community, nothing said to go out and volunteer at every shelter, or to go to some country where they did not know God and tell them about Him. I became frustrated at times because of it. I knew others who did, but not me. I wanted to believe that I was a "good Christian" since I obeyed nearly everything I was told was of great importance, even to the point of trying to oppress those things about myself that might seem "un-Christian" like.
The one that really hit close to home, literally, was my little brother. I don't know if I ever said this to him, but there are times I have envied his fearlessness. In all things. He's lived in ways I never allowed myself. I'm not saying all of them were good or wise, but he did them with fearlessness. He was never as "into" Church as me growing up. Oh, he went when Mom would drag him, but there was a number of years there that I honestly think he might have given up on the concepts of God all together. Then he found the path that was right for him. Suddenly this kid full of life, but no purpose, who barely got by in school and was interested only in living it up changed. There was suddenly this fire in him we'd never seen, this sense of self, this goal. Then, he decided to go into The Ministry. To say everyone who knew and loved him were shocked would be putting it mildly.
Over the ensuing years, he's studied theology, gone to Seminary, gotten his Masters Degree and will one day seek his PhD. To use the words Reverend in front of his name still seems so surreal. The fearlessness he exhibited in his wilder years, he now uses in his Ministry. He's jumped into serving God with the same fervor that he had toward partying, and he still has maintained that sense of joy he always had. If there was another thing we widely differed in it was in our outlooks on life. Me- pessimism, He - optimism.
In the back of my mind was always the niggling sense of why him? For years I always thought it was because he had had a sort of Simon/Peter conversion. Wild child to Young Adult Minister, and who would better understand what they go through than someone who has walked that path? But in the past few months I've realized that although in a way that is a good reason, the real reason is his lack of fear.
When push comes to shove my brother will not back down. He does not fear the sacrifices and fire that giving yourself to God requires. He's not afraid to have God take his mind and soul and burn it with knowledge and purpose, even if it's hard lessons to know. He was chosen over me because where he can stand in the midst of that awe, I would crumble to dust. I fear it more than I crave it.
I would never have the strength to hear that voice and carry out its plan. I have never read the Bible all the way through because I fear the parts that make me question how I live my life, or how we live as a world. I have no problem talking religion with anyone, I'm not afraid of having my faith questioned, I am strong in that. But my fear makes me weak in serving. I fear everything about God, but not in the healthy way that we should. It's not the proper respect for His greatness, but an abject fear of it. It's a bitter pill to swallow, to look at yourself and realize your greatest weakness and how it has held you back from the most important relationship of any Christian's life.
I fear praying for things because He might answer. I fear sitting quietly because He might try and speak to me. I fear going to Church because He might have a lesson that I need to hear which will change me. I fear reading the Bible for the same reason. I fear letting go of the fear because it's familiar and I wouldn't know me without it. I fear exorcising the demon because I don't know what it will mean for the future of my life. And now I fear never being rid of it because I can't really live until it's gone.
I guess the first step is admitting you have a problem...
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
The darker side of gifts of a Heavenly Father...
I remember when I was growing up, especially once I reached my teens, we took these 'tests' that were supposed to discover our Spiritual Gifts. I don't remember the ones I took as a young adult, but I took one recently and scored very high on Evangelism, Artistry and Teaching. I scored very low on Giving, Musical Inclination, and Pastoral. Others were somewhere in between. It seems that you can find a Biblical list in Romans 12:6-8, Ephesians 4:11 and 1 Corinthians 12:1-14. I remember being told about how these were the 'gifts' God had bestowed upon us through the Holy Spirit. We were supposed to take in consideration our strengths and figure a way to use them to do good works and in so doing, glorify God.
But are they really 'gifts' in the way we would perceive them? The list as I can compile from the three sources above are: Prophecy, Ministry, Teaching, Exhortation, Giving, Leading, Compassion, Evangelism, Pastoral, Wisdom, Knowledge, Discerning of Spirits, Speaking in Tongues, Interpretation of Tongues, Faith, Working Miracles and Healing. What I started thinking about was the darker side of these 'gifts'.
Usually when we talk about receiving a gift it is a positive thing. They are usually something we asked for or wanted that our friends or family have gotten us because they love us and want to make us happy (gift cards to our favorite store). Or they can be a slight let down if they are something a loved one gives us because it is something they perceive we need (like socks). But have you ever had one forced on you that you didn't ask for, that you didn't want, but had to accept?
I perceive our Spiritual Gifts to be in the last category. Stay with me for a moment. For most of us, these gifts are mild and manageable. Some like to help others so they volunteer their time to shelters, food pantries, and other causes that help those less fortunate than they are. Some like to teach people so they volunteer to become educators, tutors, or 'answer' people at their job. Etc, etc, etc. But take those gifts to the extreme. Like prophecy, discerning spirits, faith.
Do you think it was easy for Isaiah to write all those visions down? Or John with his Revelation? I would think that they would drive most of us mad as a hatter. Or how would you like to walk around and be able to actually see angels or demons? I can't think that those visions would be pleasant. They seem like they would be rather frightening. And what about carrying your faith out into the world and really showing it. For those who live their entire lives safe inside a community that all has similar ideas and beliefs it would be hard to understand what it is really like to walk in the world and have your beliefs questioned constantly. I thrive on it because I like to discuss and debate things with people, but I'm also doing it in a safe environment. What about those early Christians who we tortured for Roman sport? Or even now, in certain areas, people who openly practice what they believe can be executed. What about knowledge? As I recall when Adam and Eve took a bite from that tree the consequences weren't exactly positive. Would you call these 'gifts' or 'burdens'?
For every positive side of the 'gift' there is that dark underside. That shadowy piece that in an instant can make it a great and terrible hardship to bear. I think there is never enough emphasis placed on what these 'gifts' really mean, what responsibility they carry with them. After all how can we carry anything from God and it be easy? He is great and terrible, so wouldn't all things that come from Him be great and terrible?
But are they really 'gifts' in the way we would perceive them? The list as I can compile from the three sources above are: Prophecy, Ministry, Teaching, Exhortation, Giving, Leading, Compassion, Evangelism, Pastoral, Wisdom, Knowledge, Discerning of Spirits, Speaking in Tongues, Interpretation of Tongues, Faith, Working Miracles and Healing. What I started thinking about was the darker side of these 'gifts'.
Usually when we talk about receiving a gift it is a positive thing. They are usually something we asked for or wanted that our friends or family have gotten us because they love us and want to make us happy (gift cards to our favorite store). Or they can be a slight let down if they are something a loved one gives us because it is something they perceive we need (like socks). But have you ever had one forced on you that you didn't ask for, that you didn't want, but had to accept?
I perceive our Spiritual Gifts to be in the last category. Stay with me for a moment. For most of us, these gifts are mild and manageable. Some like to help others so they volunteer their time to shelters, food pantries, and other causes that help those less fortunate than they are. Some like to teach people so they volunteer to become educators, tutors, or 'answer' people at their job. Etc, etc, etc. But take those gifts to the extreme. Like prophecy, discerning spirits, faith.
Do you think it was easy for Isaiah to write all those visions down? Or John with his Revelation? I would think that they would drive most of us mad as a hatter. Or how would you like to walk around and be able to actually see angels or demons? I can't think that those visions would be pleasant. They seem like they would be rather frightening. And what about carrying your faith out into the world and really showing it. For those who live their entire lives safe inside a community that all has similar ideas and beliefs it would be hard to understand what it is really like to walk in the world and have your beliefs questioned constantly. I thrive on it because I like to discuss and debate things with people, but I'm also doing it in a safe environment. What about those early Christians who we tortured for Roman sport? Or even now, in certain areas, people who openly practice what they believe can be executed. What about knowledge? As I recall when Adam and Eve took a bite from that tree the consequences weren't exactly positive. Would you call these 'gifts' or 'burdens'?
For every positive side of the 'gift' there is that dark underside. That shadowy piece that in an instant can make it a great and terrible hardship to bear. I think there is never enough emphasis placed on what these 'gifts' really mean, what responsibility they carry with them. After all how can we carry anything from God and it be easy? He is great and terrible, so wouldn't all things that come from Him be great and terrible?
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
New Convenant Pt. 1
The idea of the whole 'new year' and resolution thing has kind of gone by the wayside for me. Instead I've decided that whenever you decide to renew something, do it. Today, on the day we celebrate the return of the Sun, and soon the birth of the Son, I've decided it's time to celebrate a new time for me as well.
Lately I've been struggling with the spirituality inside me vs. the one I grew up in and had accepted for so long. Not to worry, this isn't some "I've gone Wiccan" or something along those lines. Instead I've decided that I'm entering a New Covenant with God. I've taken a look at some of the decisions I made growing up, examined their reasons, and am deciding whether those still stand. If God could make a new covenant with the World, then I can make a new one on a personal level as well.
No, it's not a coincidence that my approaching my 35th birthday is a catalyst. I think that's a good age to re-examine yourself and see where you stand. For me, some of that is tied into decisions I made when I was a different person and for all the reasons that no longer stand.
The first would be my decision to abstain from alcohol. I decided very young that I would never drink. Never. Growing up Southern Baptist it wasn't hard since I was told how it was a path to sin. Not that my family every told me this, they were more along the lines that excess was sin, not alcohol itself. As I hit my teens/early twenties I stuck with the decision and to this day the most I have ever imbibed is maybe ten sips (and I do mean sips) in the whole of my life. Half of those would be during communion at a local Episcopal church I go to at times.
Why did I decide this, though? Jesus drank wine, in fact one of his first recorded miracles was water to wine (and I know there were sociological reasons why people would drink alcohol in the past, that is not important at this time), so why become a teetotaler? Well, as a child it's easy to make that decision b/c you've never had it and people around you tell you how bad it is. As you get older you observe the behaviour of people when they've imbibed too much, the smell around them, the stories they tell of what 'it made them do'.
As I entered my late teens/early twenties and hit college I reaffirmed that decision and 'promised' God not to drink b/c A) I'd already promised Him, so I couldn't change my mind now right? and B) I NEVER wanted to have those stories that started or ended with "Well I was drunk". If I made a decision or if I acted in a certain way then there was going to be nothing to excuse me. It would be my decision. Plus, a lot of it was fear. Fear of going back on my word with God, fear of giving up control of myself, fear of my actions, fear of not knowing what I'd done, etc.
Now, I'm starting to separate the fear from the responsibility. I've decided that one part of my New Covenant is not that I will never drink alcohol, but that I will do so wisely. I will never use it as an emotional crutch, I will never do so in excess, I will never have reason to use it as an excuse for reckless behaviour or decisions. I will only drink when I want, if I want.
Part of this New Covenant I want to enter into is letting go of the fear and this feeling of "clenching" or "walling" up that I've felt for years. It's refreshing to know that the decision is mine based on maturity and not because of "Well can't back out now" or "Have no choice but to stick with it." It's freeing to know that I can if I want, but I don't have any desire to rush out and do so.
I want to make decisions now based on them being right for me and for my life and not because of the wrong kind of fear. A lot of those things I "promised" or "gave up" to God, I did so because I was afraid of them, not Him, but them. I was afraid of letting go of control, they were an excuse to keep myself 'safe'. They weren't honestly because I saw them as huge sins (well as a kid I did, but that mind set has long since passed)against God, but a way to hide.
Oh, there was some of the 'right' reasons in there, but as I look back that wasn't the majority of the reason. There was no healthy fear of God, but abject terror. There wasn't a mature mind behind the decisions, but a lemming taking the leap because everyone else did. I don't regret making that choice. I'm still really glad I don't have those stories, those excuses, but it's time to really think about what my spirituality is, how God is a part of that, and who I am now.
This New Covenant is about a rebirth of myself, the part of me "made in His image" that is walking today. It won't be some earth shattering change, but it will shake the foundations of my self. It's a rebuilding of this temple that I am, it's been gradually happening for a few years, so the next steps are coming. Time to clear the clutter of past thoughts and things I was told, and time to purchase new ideas and understandings based on what I learn and see through my own study.
For the first time I really feel like I've taken a full breath.
Lately I've been struggling with the spirituality inside me vs. the one I grew up in and had accepted for so long. Not to worry, this isn't some "I've gone Wiccan" or something along those lines. Instead I've decided that I'm entering a New Covenant with God. I've taken a look at some of the decisions I made growing up, examined their reasons, and am deciding whether those still stand. If God could make a new covenant with the World, then I can make a new one on a personal level as well.
No, it's not a coincidence that my approaching my 35th birthday is a catalyst. I think that's a good age to re-examine yourself and see where you stand. For me, some of that is tied into decisions I made when I was a different person and for all the reasons that no longer stand.
The first would be my decision to abstain from alcohol. I decided very young that I would never drink. Never. Growing up Southern Baptist it wasn't hard since I was told how it was a path to sin. Not that my family every told me this, they were more along the lines that excess was sin, not alcohol itself. As I hit my teens/early twenties I stuck with the decision and to this day the most I have ever imbibed is maybe ten sips (and I do mean sips) in the whole of my life. Half of those would be during communion at a local Episcopal church I go to at times.
Why did I decide this, though? Jesus drank wine, in fact one of his first recorded miracles was water to wine (and I know there were sociological reasons why people would drink alcohol in the past, that is not important at this time), so why become a teetotaler? Well, as a child it's easy to make that decision b/c you've never had it and people around you tell you how bad it is. As you get older you observe the behaviour of people when they've imbibed too much, the smell around them, the stories they tell of what 'it made them do'.
As I entered my late teens/early twenties and hit college I reaffirmed that decision and 'promised' God not to drink b/c A) I'd already promised Him, so I couldn't change my mind now right? and B) I NEVER wanted to have those stories that started or ended with "Well I was drunk". If I made a decision or if I acted in a certain way then there was going to be nothing to excuse me. It would be my decision. Plus, a lot of it was fear. Fear of going back on my word with God, fear of giving up control of myself, fear of my actions, fear of not knowing what I'd done, etc.
Now, I'm starting to separate the fear from the responsibility. I've decided that one part of my New Covenant is not that I will never drink alcohol, but that I will do so wisely. I will never use it as an emotional crutch, I will never do so in excess, I will never have reason to use it as an excuse for reckless behaviour or decisions. I will only drink when I want, if I want.
Part of this New Covenant I want to enter into is letting go of the fear and this feeling of "clenching" or "walling" up that I've felt for years. It's refreshing to know that the decision is mine based on maturity and not because of "Well can't back out now" or "Have no choice but to stick with it." It's freeing to know that I can if I want, but I don't have any desire to rush out and do so.
I want to make decisions now based on them being right for me and for my life and not because of the wrong kind of fear. A lot of those things I "promised" or "gave up" to God, I did so because I was afraid of them, not Him, but them. I was afraid of letting go of control, they were an excuse to keep myself 'safe'. They weren't honestly because I saw them as huge sins (well as a kid I did, but that mind set has long since passed)against God, but a way to hide.
Oh, there was some of the 'right' reasons in there, but as I look back that wasn't the majority of the reason. There was no healthy fear of God, but abject terror. There wasn't a mature mind behind the decisions, but a lemming taking the leap because everyone else did. I don't regret making that choice. I'm still really glad I don't have those stories, those excuses, but it's time to really think about what my spirituality is, how God is a part of that, and who I am now.
This New Covenant is about a rebirth of myself, the part of me "made in His image" that is walking today. It won't be some earth shattering change, but it will shake the foundations of my self. It's a rebuilding of this temple that I am, it's been gradually happening for a few years, so the next steps are coming. Time to clear the clutter of past thoughts and things I was told, and time to purchase new ideas and understandings based on what I learn and see through my own study.
For the first time I really feel like I've taken a full breath.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Musings about the Devil....
So I was recently reading a young adult novel and in it the main kids are two characters who have spent lifetimes trying to be together only to end tragically with the girls death every time she reaches 17 and they've found each other. Basically the boy is a fallen angel, and there are others with him who walk the earth fighting for good against the ones who are fighting for evil and his falling in love with a human girl was part of his downfall. Don't ask me why, but after reading the book I was up for the better part of the night trying to figure out what bothered me most. I've never liked stories where angels fall for humans, because I just don't see how it can happen, but then they obviously have to have some foibles in order for The Fall to have happened right? So then I started thinking about that, and then I started wondering about Satan, the Devil, Lucifer, etc. in the Bible.
We all know the images associated with this entity...the serpent in the Garden, Dante's great horned beast, the tempter, burning pits, sulfur, etc. but who is this character really? In Job, we all assume it's Satan talking to God, but then we're taught that all who follow Satan, like demons, can't get near God. So what's the truth? Why is this character called the Morningstar? Isn't the day usually associated with God and the night with Lucifer? Isn't the temptation of Christ a basic redo of Job? Here's a guy who will follow God no matter what, and here's this character trying to tempt him away, to get him to turn his back, only this time they're using vanity against the believer instead of suffering. Far more effective I think, which makes Jesus' refusal all the more powerful.
Then I started to think about this great Fall we hear about. I learned that it was a disagreement between God and this angel Lucifer (who in some versions is the most beloved angel). God wanted man to have freewill and Lucifer thought that was crazy, why not just make them bow down and worship God? So then words are exchanged, sides are chosen, a war ensues, and we get God and the good guys on one side and Lucifer and the bad guys on the other. Which then starts to raise all sorts of questions about the angels having freewill. It's a mess. And there are other versions of the story I'm sure.
The more I ponder it, though, the more confused I get. I've lived with this image of Satan for so long I've just blindly accepted what I've been told, but it has to be much deeper than that. For instance where did we get the story for the great Heavenly falling out? Why would any angel question God? Why would any want to leave Heaven? How could you possibly find humans so interesting after being in God's presence? What does that mean about Hell really? Is it only the absence of God's presence? After all the whole pit of burning, etc. idea didn't come around until much later and most of our 'visions' come straight from Dante's Inferno.
So who is this character of ultimate evil that evidently still has conversations with God? What is their purpose? Are they really working against God or are they misunderstood as the ultimate 'tester' of our determination to follow God in all things? What if like the Holy Spirit this character is sent out to speak to us, but instead of giving us God's words of instruction and comfort, they are sent out to test our mettle. To ask the questions that will lead us toward or away from salvation. And remember, in Job this character is specifically told that they can torture the faithful all they want but cannot kill them. I've always believed that Lucifer doesn't sit in some dark burning pit waiting for our souls, but that they walk the earth everyday whispering in our ears. But how much further does it go? And why am I suddenly making this a conspiracy theory?
Seems fitting to ponder at this time, though, as Halloween approaches. Will definitely have to delve into this mythos a little more to see how it all started, what did the early 'chosen' believe, how did later generations and then Christianity change that perception?
My brain hurts....
We all know the images associated with this entity...the serpent in the Garden, Dante's great horned beast, the tempter, burning pits, sulfur, etc. but who is this character really? In Job, we all assume it's Satan talking to God, but then we're taught that all who follow Satan, like demons, can't get near God. So what's the truth? Why is this character called the Morningstar? Isn't the day usually associated with God and the night with Lucifer? Isn't the temptation of Christ a basic redo of Job? Here's a guy who will follow God no matter what, and here's this character trying to tempt him away, to get him to turn his back, only this time they're using vanity against the believer instead of suffering. Far more effective I think, which makes Jesus' refusal all the more powerful.
Then I started to think about this great Fall we hear about. I learned that it was a disagreement between God and this angel Lucifer (who in some versions is the most beloved angel). God wanted man to have freewill and Lucifer thought that was crazy, why not just make them bow down and worship God? So then words are exchanged, sides are chosen, a war ensues, and we get God and the good guys on one side and Lucifer and the bad guys on the other. Which then starts to raise all sorts of questions about the angels having freewill. It's a mess. And there are other versions of the story I'm sure.
The more I ponder it, though, the more confused I get. I've lived with this image of Satan for so long I've just blindly accepted what I've been told, but it has to be much deeper than that. For instance where did we get the story for the great Heavenly falling out? Why would any angel question God? Why would any want to leave Heaven? How could you possibly find humans so interesting after being in God's presence? What does that mean about Hell really? Is it only the absence of God's presence? After all the whole pit of burning, etc. idea didn't come around until much later and most of our 'visions' come straight from Dante's Inferno.
So who is this character of ultimate evil that evidently still has conversations with God? What is their purpose? Are they really working against God or are they misunderstood as the ultimate 'tester' of our determination to follow God in all things? What if like the Holy Spirit this character is sent out to speak to us, but instead of giving us God's words of instruction and comfort, they are sent out to test our mettle. To ask the questions that will lead us toward or away from salvation. And remember, in Job this character is specifically told that they can torture the faithful all they want but cannot kill them. I've always believed that Lucifer doesn't sit in some dark burning pit waiting for our souls, but that they walk the earth everyday whispering in our ears. But how much further does it go? And why am I suddenly making this a conspiracy theory?
Seems fitting to ponder at this time, though, as Halloween approaches. Will definitely have to delve into this mythos a little more to see how it all started, what did the early 'chosen' believe, how did later generations and then Christianity change that perception?
My brain hurts....
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Blogmania...
Today and tomorrow mark Blogmania. A two day event across the blogging world with give-a-ways and the chance to discover new blogs. I'm joined many...paranormal reading inspired of course...but there are some great food and craft inspired ones as well. But for me it's all about books, books, books.
Speaking of...went to the Bible to help with this professional depression thing. Most verses aren't really things that would lift you up vs. making you feel more like a brat for whining, but I did find Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a HOPE. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me."
I'm finding Jeremiah and I getting along rather well, as I did with Ecclesiastes. Ok, off to do more work and then more blog following!!!!
Speaking of...went to the Bible to help with this professional depression thing. Most verses aren't really things that would lift you up vs. making you feel more like a brat for whining, but I did find Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a HOPE. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me."
I'm finding Jeremiah and I getting along rather well, as I did with Ecclesiastes. Ok, off to do more work and then more blog following!!!!
Friday, September 10, 2010
The Slippery Slope of Selfishness
Something I find hard to do when I am at my most vulnerable is to keep from getting so bogged down in the pity party that I can't see the blessings. But there are times that I think it's ok to give in...just for a while. Let the darkness consume you, let the illness run it's course, and then you come out stronger...right?
I confess I've hit a wall and found my soul is a little sick at the moment. Job hunting, hating the fact that I have to work two and so ready to quit retail it physically makes me ill, all contribute to the pity party I'm throwing myself right now. I'm being diligent, I'm hunting for a job every day, I'm picking my hours up at the bookstore to act like I care, but I don't. I'm done. Stick a fork in me done.
I've cried in my pillow, I've gotten angry, I've had a long hard chat at God (not with Him b/c I was just venting and sometimes you just need to vent and not have the listener answer back. Who would understand that better than my Creator?), I've looked at myself and felt like a looser, fed up with myself and my life, and in the end I don't really feel better or worse for it. Just kind of empty. I think I've lost the ability to care at the moment and I'm just numb.
I try to tell myself that there is more to this life, I have amazing friends and a wonderful family, I have a roof over my head, food on my table...Psalm 23 is springing to mind...but in the end I think I'm just needing to hit bottom before I can climb out. Maybe not the most "I trust in the Lord so I will not despair" attitude, but if he is the loving God I've come to know then He understands, not to say He won't have a word or two about it with me later, like when everything turns out well and He looks at me and says "Why did you despair and doubt?", but for now it's a rainy day in my soul.
I confess I've hit a wall and found my soul is a little sick at the moment. Job hunting, hating the fact that I have to work two and so ready to quit retail it physically makes me ill, all contribute to the pity party I'm throwing myself right now. I'm being diligent, I'm hunting for a job every day, I'm picking my hours up at the bookstore to act like I care, but I don't. I'm done. Stick a fork in me done.
I've cried in my pillow, I've gotten angry, I've had a long hard chat at God (not with Him b/c I was just venting and sometimes you just need to vent and not have the listener answer back. Who would understand that better than my Creator?), I've looked at myself and felt like a looser, fed up with myself and my life, and in the end I don't really feel better or worse for it. Just kind of empty. I think I've lost the ability to care at the moment and I'm just numb.
I try to tell myself that there is more to this life, I have amazing friends and a wonderful family, I have a roof over my head, food on my table...Psalm 23 is springing to mind...but in the end I think I'm just needing to hit bottom before I can climb out. Maybe not the most "I trust in the Lord so I will not despair" attitude, but if he is the loving God I've come to know then He understands, not to say He won't have a word or two about it with me later, like when everything turns out well and He looks at me and says "Why did you despair and doubt?", but for now it's a rainy day in my soul.
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