The idea of the whole 'new year' and resolution thing has kind of gone by the wayside for me. Instead I've decided that whenever you decide to renew something, do it. Today, on the day we celebrate the return of the Sun, and soon the birth of the Son, I've decided it's time to celebrate a new time for me as well.
Lately I've been struggling with the spirituality inside me vs. the one I grew up in and had accepted for so long. Not to worry, this isn't some "I've gone Wiccan" or something along those lines. Instead I've decided that I'm entering a New Covenant with God. I've taken a look at some of the decisions I made growing up, examined their reasons, and am deciding whether those still stand. If God could make a new covenant with the World, then I can make a new one on a personal level as well.
No, it's not a coincidence that my approaching my 35th birthday is a catalyst. I think that's a good age to re-examine yourself and see where you stand. For me, some of that is tied into decisions I made when I was a different person and for all the reasons that no longer stand.
The first would be my decision to abstain from alcohol. I decided very young that I would never drink. Never. Growing up Southern Baptist it wasn't hard since I was told how it was a path to sin. Not that my family every told me this, they were more along the lines that excess was sin, not alcohol itself. As I hit my teens/early twenties I stuck with the decision and to this day the most I have ever imbibed is maybe ten sips (and I do mean sips) in the whole of my life. Half of those would be during communion at a local Episcopal church I go to at times.
Why did I decide this, though? Jesus drank wine, in fact one of his first recorded miracles was water to wine (and I know there were sociological reasons why people would drink alcohol in the past, that is not important at this time), so why become a teetotaler? Well, as a child it's easy to make that decision b/c you've never had it and people around you tell you how bad it is. As you get older you observe the behaviour of people when they've imbibed too much, the smell around them, the stories they tell of what 'it made them do'.
As I entered my late teens/early twenties and hit college I reaffirmed that decision and 'promised' God not to drink b/c A) I'd already promised Him, so I couldn't change my mind now right? and B) I NEVER wanted to have those stories that started or ended with "Well I was drunk". If I made a decision or if I acted in a certain way then there was going to be nothing to excuse me. It would be my decision. Plus, a lot of it was fear. Fear of going back on my word with God, fear of giving up control of myself, fear of my actions, fear of not knowing what I'd done, etc.
Now, I'm starting to separate the fear from the responsibility. I've decided that one part of my New Covenant is not that I will never drink alcohol, but that I will do so wisely. I will never use it as an emotional crutch, I will never do so in excess, I will never have reason to use it as an excuse for reckless behaviour or decisions. I will only drink when I want, if I want.
Part of this New Covenant I want to enter into is letting go of the fear and this feeling of "clenching" or "walling" up that I've felt for years. It's refreshing to know that the decision is mine based on maturity and not because of "Well can't back out now" or "Have no choice but to stick with it." It's freeing to know that I can if I want, but I don't have any desire to rush out and do so.
I want to make decisions now based on them being right for me and for my life and not because of the wrong kind of fear. A lot of those things I "promised" or "gave up" to God, I did so because I was afraid of them, not Him, but them. I was afraid of letting go of control, they were an excuse to keep myself 'safe'. They weren't honestly because I saw them as huge sins (well as a kid I did, but that mind set has long since passed)against God, but a way to hide.
Oh, there was some of the 'right' reasons in there, but as I look back that wasn't the majority of the reason. There was no healthy fear of God, but abject terror. There wasn't a mature mind behind the decisions, but a lemming taking the leap because everyone else did. I don't regret making that choice. I'm still really glad I don't have those stories, those excuses, but it's time to really think about what my spirituality is, how God is a part of that, and who I am now.
This New Covenant is about a rebirth of myself, the part of me "made in His image" that is walking today. It won't be some earth shattering change, but it will shake the foundations of my self. It's a rebuilding of this temple that I am, it's been gradually happening for a few years, so the next steps are coming. Time to clear the clutter of past thoughts and things I was told, and time to purchase new ideas and understandings based on what I learn and see through my own study.
For the first time I really feel like I've taken a full breath.
