The negative "Image"

Back in the 'old' days, before digital, photographs were developed from negatives. My mother used to do touch ups on them for school portraits, wedding photos, etc. I remember sitting near her while she worked. She had a board that lit up and the photo's negative would sit over that light so she could see every little imperfection lit up on the image. I remember looking at those images while she painted over the blemishes, so that once the negative image was turned into an actual portrait all acne, wrinkles, dark eye circles, etc. would be gone. I was always fascinated by the negative image. It was sinister and fascinating in ways. All that black with the eyes and teeth showing up a frightening whitish color, the outline of the person in some creepy green hue. It was like looking at the monster within.

We've heard all our lives, no matter who you are or what you believe, that humanity was made in God's image. It is definitely a newer way of looking at the divine. Our ancestors made gods in our image, giving them anthropomorphic characteristics so we might understand why things happened. Good and bad. They lusted, hated, sought vengeance, loved, cried, and ran through all of humanities emotions. Despite what some would believe, Christians still carry that tradition on with our humanizing of God. We describe Him in the Bible as jealous, wrathful, loving, merciful, and any number of human emotions so we can understand His actions. The difference is that we believe that our traits are handed down from the divine, but what I've always heard described was the positive photograph. The complete picture minus the flaws, which were touched up when they were a negative, but to me, our souls once they leave this earth will be the complete and touched up picture. What we are while we are here is the negative, that sinister looking flipside with all the dark, eerie outlines.

Many Christians, or God faithful people, talk of how we should strive to be like God. But if we are made in His image, how are we not already like Him in ways? What they should specify is that we should strive to be the loving image, because we have the other image down pat.

Reading the Old Testament, what strikes me is how vengeful and unforgiving God is. He wipes out entire civilizations (which have never existed again, just like He said), He punishes those who displease him down to the third and fourth generation, He allowed the exiles from Egypt to wander for years in a desert because they displeased Him. He flooded the entire world and wiped out nearly all of His creation to punish the sins that had been carried down from Cain. He does not forget, and is slow to forgive. Over and over we hear words to that affect. This is the image of God mankind has always carried.

Ask my family what I was like as a child, and my parents will tell you, I came out of the womb angry. I've always been quick to anger and once it's out it burns long and bright. In my heart I never truly forget any wrong done to me, I constantly think out scenarios to punish those who have hurt me. That dark negative is deeply ingrained, suppressed over the years, but deeply ingrained. I've always joked that it's a good thing I am not divinely powerful because my wrath would wipe out civilizations, but it's not really a joke. I am very much in touch with the burden of carrying that image of God inside me. The weight of the decisions to destroy or to hold back that reflex. I finally understood that my horror at God in the Old Testament doesn't come from what He does, but from that place deep inside that relishes and sees the justice of it.

The dichotomy of my personality has always run to the opposite extremes. On one hand I have a very great need to see justice and punishment handed out in accordance with Hamurabi's Code (eye for eye), while on the other I want that great forgiveness that comes from the Savior and to see all redeemed and saved in the end. I want very much to know that people are suffering in eternal fires of damnation, while hoping that at the last second they repented so they could know what love is. Sometimes the opposing extremes are maddening.

But is it right to truly suppress the negative so much? Look at history and see what waiting and allowing tensions to boil over does. Wars break out from the littlest insult because so much of the anger and resentment had been suppressed for so long. Like a dormant volcano, or faultline, the pressure just builds and builds until it can't be contained and then it explodes. Looking at the whole picture of human history, how are we different from the God of the Old Testament? Do we not wipe out civilizations? Have we not tried to destroy entire races of people? Are we not still trying to do this? If a group does not see the world through the eyes we do, are we not inclined to try and suppress, if not outright destroy them? Do we not hold the sins of the parents against their young and even their young? Do we not want to create and shape this world into our image of it?

Looking back through time, what emerges to me is not the picture, but it's negative. There are attempts to conceal the bad, touch up the blemishes, cover the flaws, but the negative does not lie because it is humanity who is trying to touch up the negative. What we need to understand is that God did not hold back any of Himself, the moment Adam and Eve took in knowledge, they took it all in. Unlike Pandora's box, nothing was held back. We became capable of great evil and even greater good. Being made in God's image meant that we inherited everything. For some the dominant trait of those genetics is love and compassion, for some like me, it is wrath and vengeance.

Does this make me a bad Christian to hold these feelings and thoughts? Some say that the thought is comparable to the action, that wishing something in your heart is like it actually happened. I disagree with this completely. I think the action speaks far louder than the feelings. Even Jesus showed anger in the Temple, even he shouted and struck out. I do believe that feeling the extreme edge of anger and emotions equal to that can be damaging to a person's spirit, and make them more apt to be unkind to others, surly and sullen. It can place you in a very lonely and frightening place. But being able to feel these emotions and to control them is a sign of strength to me, and a sign of your faith in God. A testament that you trust that God's control is greater than yours, His wisdom is far superior, His actions more justified. It also helps me to understand His frightening and awesome power. To see this side of myself and know that in Him it is magnified more times than I could comprehend, and to think of how he allows us to choose and live for ourselves, makes me even more appreciative of His mercy. Takes me to my knees in thankful reverence.

The negative image is what we all reflect, because we are all sinners. I don't care how 'righteous' you believe you are, you are a sinner and therefore no better than anyone else. My daily struggle, though, is to not let that negative be the final image. What I strive for is to try and allow God to touch me up so that when I finally emerge as a finished photo, I am blemish and flaw free.