Something I find hard to do when I am at my most vulnerable is to keep from getting so bogged down in the pity party that I can't see the blessings. But there are times that I think it's ok to give in...just for a while. Let the darkness consume you, let the illness run it's course, and then you come out stronger...right?
I confess I've hit a wall and found my soul is a little sick at the moment. Job hunting, hating the fact that I have to work two and so ready to quit retail it physically makes me ill, all contribute to the pity party I'm throwing myself right now. I'm being diligent, I'm hunting for a job every day, I'm picking my hours up at the bookstore to act like I care, but I don't. I'm done. Stick a fork in me done.
I've cried in my pillow, I've gotten angry, I've had a long hard chat at God (not with Him b/c I was just venting and sometimes you just need to vent and not have the listener answer back. Who would understand that better than my Creator?), I've looked at myself and felt like a looser, fed up with myself and my life, and in the end I don't really feel better or worse for it. Just kind of empty. I think I've lost the ability to care at the moment and I'm just numb.
I try to tell myself that there is more to this life, I have amazing friends and a wonderful family, I have a roof over my head, food on my table...Psalm 23 is springing to mind...but in the end I think I'm just needing to hit bottom before I can climb out. Maybe not the most "I trust in the Lord so I will not despair" attitude, but if he is the loving God I've come to know then He understands, not to say He won't have a word or two about it with me later, like when everything turns out well and He looks at me and says "Why did you despair and doubt?", but for now it's a rainy day in my soul.
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